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INTRODUCTION
Two worldviews drive marriage in the world today—the secular/ worldly worldview, and biblical worldview. In the secular and worldly worldview, marriage is just a social contract or a cultural tradition. But in the biblical worldview, marriage is more than those. It is a sacred, covenant-based union established by God. For believing couples, marriage transcends companionship and mutual help; it is a partnership which is rooted in God’s eternal redemptive plan. The Apostle Peter captures this profound truth in 1 Peter 3:7:
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Perception Matters In Marriage
We are in a time when counsels on marriage are all over the place, both from those qualified to give them, and those not qualified. Social media is mass producing marriage “experts”. And, in most cases, the emphasis is on love. Love is being over-flogged, as if it is all that matters. But there is something that matters more than love, but which is less talked about—that is, perception.
Couples are told to love and honor one another. And, it’s good. But we must understand that these don’t just happen. Love, honor, and kindness, or dishonor, hatred, and cruelty are end products of the perception that people hold about one another.
You see a man who beats his wife? There is a perception that he has of the wife that inspires that. The man does not beat his female boss at work. His wife and his boss are both women. But he holds different views of both. And, that determines how he treats each.
You see a woman who dishonors her husband? At the root of that is a perception of the man she holds. She honors her pastor, who is a man like her husband. But she holds different views of both men. And, that defines how she treats each of them.
Perception matters a lot in marriage! A couple’s perceptions of each other determines how they behave toward each other. No couple can do better than their views of each other. Perceptions determine the nature and quality of your conduct toward your spouse.
Philosophies And Perceptions
Perceptions are formed by the philosophy that a person subscribes to. We don’t just form perceptions about people, whether right or wrong. Our perceptions are influenced by the philosophy that we subscribe to. In James 3:13-17, the Bible reveals the two knds of wisdoms which are operational in this world.
First is the earthly wisdom, which originates from satan, the god of this world. The wisdom is taught by unspiritual cultures, parents, friends, etc. It shapes the perceptions of those of the world. Some men see women as lower in intelligence and capacity. In a public bus, a man described women as having fish brain. Some other men on the bus agreed, and even added their own flavors. The minds of majority of African men are just programmed wrongly, especially on women issues. Of course, the women on the bus fought back. But the thoughts that occupied my mind was if these men could be this vulgar in the public, then I can only imagine what they say to their wives at home, and how they treat them.
There are cultures in Africa where women are seen as properties of their husbands, paid for with his money, and so, can be used as he pleases, even beaten! There are cultures where women are never allowed to counsel their husbands. There are cultures where women are seen and treated as lesser than children. So, how do you think that men who are raised in those cultures will treat their wives?
There are also worldly wisdoms (satanic counsels) that wordly women live by, which are installed in them like an operating system by their cultures, mothers, social media influencers, feminists, etc. For example, men are necessary evils one must endure just to have children. Once you have children, face your children, and live the man to do whatever he likes.
Now, all of us came from backgrounds—cultures and families, where we had picked up one form or the other of these worldly philosophies, which had shaped our perceptions of our spouses, and how we treat and behave toward them.
A New Philosophy, A New Perception
But, having come into Christ, we have come into a different world where a different kind of wisdom operates—the wisdom from above. When we get born again, we begin the process of re-education, to be purged of the worldly wisdom which we have acquired from different worldly sources, out of which God has saved us through Christ, to acquire the wisdom from above, which is the approved wisdom for this life which we are in now by grace through faith. And, this wisdom is in Christ, and is Christ.
Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 1:30, that Christ has become for us wisdom from God.
1 CORINTHIANS 1:30:
“But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God —and righteousness and sanctification and redemption.”
It is not enough to know and accept Christ as our righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. But we also must know and accept Him as our wisdom! We cannot be in Christ and be running our lives by the satanic wisdoms from some ancestors, parents, colleagues, etc. No! God has give Christ to us as wisdom, the lens through whom we view, interpret and handle every issue of life, marriage inclusive. As we learn Christ, our perceptions of our spouses ought to be changing progressively and radically. This is exactly what the Holy Spirit, through Peter, deals with in 1 Peter 3:7:
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Here is the revelation of the perception which must drive Christian couples in marriage. We are to see our wives and husbands as heirs together with us of the grace of life. What does this mean?
The “grace of life” denotes God’s grace that brought eternal life. The entire revelation of salvation is built on grace—God’s favor that gave us what we didn’t merit (Ephesians 2:8; Titus 2:11; Romans 6:23). Now, the mind-blowing part of 1 Peter 3:7 is the description of both believing husband and wife as heirs together of this grace. God did not make salvation a male exclusive thing. He gives His salvation to both male and female, by grace through faith. The Holy Spirit, through Apostle Paul, says in Galatians 3:26-29:
“For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.”
This means that within the context of the life in Christ, men have no advantage over their wives. Both of us received same and equal grace of God. In the light of this truth, the Holy Spirit, through Peter, charged Christian men that, though our wives are physically weaker than us, yet we are to give honor to them as an inheritor of God’s salvation just like you.
It means that the perception that we must have of one another as Christian couples must be that of fellow Christians. Brother, your wife is not a property you paid for, which you can use as you please. She is a fellow Christian whom God gave you as wife. Sister, your husband is not an evil to put up with just to have children. He is a fellow Christian whom God gave you as husband. You are brother and sister in a romantic relationship. A Christian marriage is a Christian relationship with a romantic dimension to it.
- Both of us received the same salvation.
- Both of us have the same Father.
- Both of us have the same Spirit indwelling and working in you.
- Both of us have the gifts of the Spirit operating in you.
- Both of us are subject to the same government of Christ.
When this understanding floods our hearts, it will change a whole lot of things about our marriages. It will change how we relate to and behave toward each other. We will cease to relate to and behave toward each other according to the unspiritual traditions inherited from humans, but as to another Christian.
A fine Bible teacher, for whom I have great respect, once said there are not many New Testament texts on marriage, because marriage is not the focus—but redemption. But I disagree. It means we have been viewing marriage wrongly. Because we cannot view marriage correctly—through the lens of redemption, and not find abundance of texts that speak on Christian marriage. Because every text that teaches how Christians should treat and behave toward one another also speaks of how believing couples ought to treat and behave toward one another, for we are brothers and sisters who are in a romantic relationship.
(I am going to deal more with this truth in the next part.)
