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Introduction
Conflict is a part of human relationships. They are inevitable—even among the closest of people, like brothers, whether they are biological or spiritual brothers in Christ. The Bible does not deny the reality of conflicts. Neither should we. But it provides clear guidance on how to handle conflicts in a way that glorifies God and restores unity among brethren.
Roots of Offense
It is important to know how offences happen. This knowledge helps in addressing the problem and can help to forestall offences, as we will be more cautious in our dealings with other people.
That being said, there are four major roots that create offence:
- Unwholesome words: Words are powerful. They can hurt or heal (Proverbs 15:1). Hence, the Bible’s counsel to watch our words. We are to let no corrupt word go out of our mouths, “but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29).
- Rivalry: When you strive to outdo others with malicious intents. If you succeed, you will get arrogant and act in ways that cause offence. But, if they outdo you, you will become angry and bitter and no longer be able to live peaceably with them. It is why the Bible calls those who live in comparison unwise (2 Corinthians 10:12).
- Pride/Ego: These two get in the way of unity. Where pride or ego rules, no one will be willing to yield to others. The result will be conflict.
- Misunderstanding: Someone may misinterpret gestures, or words, or actions of another person.
Forgiveness: The Key to Conflict Resolution
In resolving conflicts, forgiveness is the key. It must be sought by the offender and given by the offended.
Seeking Forgiveness
It is the offender who should initiate the process of reconciliation. Jesus teaches in Matthew 5:23-24:
23 Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
The offender must go to the one he has wronged. He must not give place to pride. But humbly, he must go to seek forgiveness from the one he wronged. Jesus embedded this truth into His parable of the prodigal son, who said, “I will arise and go to my father and will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you’” (Luke 15:18).
Let’s consider a few practical steps.
- Go directly to your brother (sister): Have a conversation about the issue directly with the offended person, not through gossip or third parties.
- Admit you’re wrong: you must humble yourself. Don’t try to justify yourself. Don’t make reference to what the person did wrongly to you once. Admit your fault. And, honestly, beg for forgiveness.
- Pray for your brother (sister): the nature, weight, and toll of offences differ. Due to the nature, weight, and toll of your fault, the person may not be able to forgive you straightaway. Therefore, you must pray for the person and continue to do so until his or her heart is fully healed and he or she is able to let go and forgive you.
- Give them time: Again, due to the nature, weight, and toll of the offence, it may take time for your brother or sister to gain healing to the extent of forgiving you. Be patient. Continue to make efforts. Don’t say because they are not responding, they can go to hell. No! Put yourself in their shoes.
- Involve others: If necessary, involve others in the process, particularly those who are more mature spiritually than the offended brother or sister.
Giving Forgiveness
Now, the Bible teaches that the offended person must forgive. Bear in mind that I am speaking about people who are saved and are subject to the government of the Spirit and the Word. God’s word put an offended brother or sister under obligation to forgive the one who wronged us. Jesus taught us to pray in Matthew 6:12:
“And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”
The Holy Spirit, through the apostles, commands the same!
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, and longsuffering; 13 bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
Indeed, forgiveness is heavier on the one who is offended because of the weight of the offence and the toll it has taken. But, despite these—the weight of the offence and the toll it has taken—the word of God commands us to forgive. It is not going to be easy. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, it can be done.
Why You Must Forgive
- You yourself were forgiven by God through Christ.
“…forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
“…forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
Christian forgiveness is not based on the offenders—whether or not they admit their faults—but on this truth: that we ourselves were forgiven many sins by God. And the one to whom mercy has been shown ought to show the same to others. Jesus’s parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35 captures this. There is no offence that we forgive people for, or the number of times we forgive, that we can ever outdo God in forgiveness. God is the greatest forgiver!
- It is commanded.
God commands, not suggests. And His commands require obedience from us, His people. Forgiveness is a command, not a suggestion. Thus, as God’s people, we must arm ourselves and be ready at all times and in all situations to forgive, despite the hurt. Forgiving is not a choice for the man in Christ; it is mandatory.
- It is consistent with our nature in Christ.
Forgiveness is an act of love. Unforgiveness is an act of self, which is putting our feelings above others’ need for forgiveness. But the man in Christ is not in the flesh but in the Spirit (Romans 8:9). Our chief character is love! Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love…” When we refuse to love people to the point of forgiving their wrongs, we are not living true to our nature.
- It is the way to keep the spring of our spirit fresh.
To keep the freshness of our born-again spirit, we must cultivate a solid love walk and avoid walking in offence. The Bible warns sternly against permitting bitterness in our hearts.
“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.”
14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord; 1 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.”
Offence is a pollutant—it pollutes the believer’s spirit. And, once the spring is polluted, whatever proceeds out of it—ministry to God and the saints, prayers, worship, etc.—is polluted too and therefore unacceptable to God. And what is not accepted by God is not rewarded by God. Unforgiveness is costly!
Now, let’s deal with a very crucial question.
Can I forgive in my heart without telling the offender? Will it hinder my prayer?
Yes, you can forgive in your heart without telling the offender. And, no, it won’t hinder your prayers—as long as your heart is purged of bitterness, malice, or vengeance.
Jesus taught forgiving people without confrontation. In Matthew 6:12-15, He simply taught forgiving people. First of all, forgiveness is a condition of the heart. It is to release people in your heart. You first deal with the offence by prayer and truly release the offender in your heart. Afterward, you may choose to not talk of the offence, especially:
- If the offence is not a serious one with far-reaching impacts.
- If the offender is not aware.
- When confronting them would bring unnecessary dishonour or division, e.g., if the offender is an elder.
- When you are after peace, not vindication.
- When the person is out of reach.
What you must not do is carry offence in silence while pretending to be fine. That is pretence, not forgiveness. And that will affect your prayers. But there are occasions when confrontation is necessary. Jesus taught this in Matthew 18:15-17. Confrontation is necessary when:
- The offence has far-reaching impacts. E.g., spousal infidelity.
- Repairing and restoring relationships is necessary.
- The issue is public and affects other people.
- The offender has made the offence a habit.
- Not just healing, but also clarity is required.
Now, when you have to confront, take note of the following things:
- Talk directly with the person—don’t gossip or talk through a third party. A third party only becomes necessary if the offender refuses to admit his faults.
- Speak humbly and in love—the goal of the conversation is reconciliation, not proving who is right or wrong.
- Forgive truly, from your heart—don’t pretend to forgive. In truth, release the offender from your heart. Bear in mind your own need for the mercy of God.
- Pray for yourself and for the offender—don’t gloss over the offence or underrate the impacts it has had on you. Thus, pray for healing and wholeness. Pray for the offender too. Nothing proves genuine forgiveness like when you are able to pray for the offender.
Conclusion
When brothers have conflict, it is an occasion to practise Christlike love, humility, and forgiveness. Instead of allowing offences to kill relationships, we can follow the biblical path of reconciliation. True brotherhood is tested not in the absence of offences but in the willingness to forgive and remain united.
